Why are we (Kara, Bell and Ollie) up here?

Up here: Loon Lake, Washington w/ the Clifner Clan on their farm (Pam & Lonny, their 9 children (oldest daughter is in Costa Rica w/ YWAM) 100 chickens, 60 sheep, 5 dogs, 4 bunnies, 3 cows, 2 horses, 1 pig and a cat)

Neurotherapy is what I have been calling it…but the “real” name is…

Neurofeedback; “a type of biofeedback that measures brain waves or brain blood flow to produce a signal that can be used as feedback on brain activity to teach self-regulation. Feedback is commonly provided using video or sound, with positive feedback for desired brain activity and negative feedback for brain activity that is undesirable.”  (compliments of Webster’s Dictionary)

Pam Clifners (PLEASE contact her if you have ANY questions or want more info!) version, (as I was able to understand and now attempt to communicate)  There is no way our kids brains could have been wired correctly w/ all the trauma they have been though before they were in our care.  Neurofeedback rewires the brains pathways that were/are broken or going the wrong way, by recreating the new pathways in our kids brains that should have been there when they were babies, pathways that we now know can be regenerated.  It allows for their brains to mature so that they are not constantly living in the trauma of their past.

At this point, its best that you watch a video explaining…only 4 minutes long…easy to follow…it even made sense to me!

When we pulled up on the farm last week, I was ready to get the girls rolling w/ brain maps and neuro.  I was getting the info from Pam about what time and where…she included me in the schedule.  I was confused, I came up here for the twins…

Pam said, “How can you help your girls heal when you are exhausted, tired and worn from giving everything you have to help them heal?”  Good point…

So…all 3 of us have been getting treatment these last 7 days…I am seeing remarkable progress in the twins; sleeping through the night, less meltdowns, softness in their eyes, Bells smile has enlarged beyond what I ever thought possible, Ollie is trusting and snuggling more and even I am sleeping through the night, my brain doesn’t feel like a giant fog is hovering and I have laughed…cried…and sometimes both at the same time.

I came here to help my girls, healing for their brains, answers from their past…

Some answers from their LENS brain maps;  trauma, anxiety, stress and depression…

2 year olds…heartbreaking…

There is HOPE…

If you are an exhausted parent fighting for healing in your children…you are NOT alone!

If you are wondering when you will ever feel like a “normal” family…you are NOT alone!

If your heart breaks for what your children have endured, allowing you to be their parents…you are NOT alone!

If you brought your child/children home after months or even years of waiting, praying and being obedient to God’s call on your life and its different than what you hoped it would be…you are NOT alone!

Keep fighting for them…

Keep loving them…

You have what it takes…it might be more than you can handle at times…that’s ok…

You are living a BEAUTIFULMESS

 

Keepin’ it real…

I haven’t blogged nearly as much as I have wanted to and in all honesty…its my pride.  (& lack of time!)

I want the happy and smiley pics on instagram/facebook to be realistic indicators of how we are doing…they aren’t though.  Most often they are pictures captured w/ my iPhone, in a mad dash, so I have pics to encourage and remind me who I am fighting for…what I am fighting for…and even in the trenches, we can still laugh and find joy!

If you have seen me in the last couple weeks…you know I am getting more showers, (more than 2 a week) my eyes are less puffy and I have even worn my fancy pants.  (fancy pants = jeans)  You may have seen Bell &/or Ollie a few times…at their dedication, the hoe-down or visits to daddy at church.

Here it is…

• the nights are really hard, Bell is hurting so much and her brain won’t shut down to allow her sleep, her moaning, crying, screaming and outbursts during the night and early hours of the morning are like nothing I have ever experienced, it breaks my heart to see her hurt so deeply and I am not be enough to console her or fix it!
• Ollie is dealing w/ her trauma and pain during the day time w/ outbursts and emotions that she can’t seem to get a hold of, she starts down the path of being driven and controlled by her emotions and then there is no calming her down, her record is just over 3 hours and after she is exhausted and so are we!
• Jeff has already had 1 surgery this year, another one coming up on this Thursday and a 3rd surgery in 6 months  (I will let Jeff fill you in on this one)
• Nuero-therapy for the twins (helping their brains heal) means the girls and I are up in WA for 10-14 days (we leave only 4 days after Jeff’s surgery)
• Caleb and Sam are adjusting well to a new home, neighborhood and school…the immersion program for Spanish is a little overwhelming for their brains and they are pretty tired by the time they get home and I am constantly in awe of the way they love their sisters and serve others.
• Our world is really small right now, I don’t make a lot of plans, I cancel plans often, I don’t always respond or follow through via text/fb/email etc. (PLEASE don’t take it personal…its me, not you!  I know, sounds like a cheesy, “I am breaking up w/ you” line.  For me, during this season…its true!)
• We don’t really know whats going on w/ other people…not b/c we don’t care, b/c we are just living one day at a time and being present with our life, is just about all we have.
• Our house is not settled from the move yet…we are getting there 
• Both of our cars have been broken, towed, repaired and 2 fender benders in the last month and a half
• Cancelled plans for a Cali trip to meet our newest nephew, see family and dear friends, b/c we knew the girls didn’t have the ability to handle it and our energy levels are tanked

Right now…its one day at a time and often, one hour at a time.

We have been loved, encouraged, prayed for and felt called every step of the way…moving forward, toward hope and healing.  

“When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.”  Exodus 17:12

Thank you for holding us up

 

Lunch…

This whole first grade thing…not really ready for it.

My oldest, Caleb Jeffry Brown…first grader.  WHAT?!?

While eating lunch yesterday Caleb was asking about school,

“What time do I come home to eat lunch with you?”

I then proceeded to explain that in first grade (and every grade following) he stays at school for lunch.

His response…tears.

Of course, I lost it too!

“Mommy, who will I eat with?  I always eat lunch with you…and Sam…and now Bell and Ollie.”

I could see the wheels turning in his sweet, little 6 year old brain as tears streamed down his face.

Samaria then joins in w/ her own tears…

Lunch time…

Like a filmstrip in my mind…all the lunches we have shared together…

nursing my newborn/baby boy, spoon feeding him mushed up baby food for the first time, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Costco dogs after our trip to get diapers and wipes in bulk for him and his baby sister, spaghetti leftovers for lunch, (b/c its his fav for dinner) picnic lunches at the zoo w/ egg salad sandwiches, play dates w/ friends followed w/ a spread quesadilla, mandarins, carrots and ranch in the little sectional plates, drive thru’s after we stayed too long at the park b/c he kept asking, “5 more minutes?” and I kept giving in…knowing he would fall asleep in the car before we got home and not nap if I didn’t feed him while we drove home and our Red Robin “Mommy/Caleb” lunch dates…

Lunch…

everyday lunch w/ my little man…

I am going to miss it…